Why It’s Okay to Feel Like You’ve Lost Yourself in Motherhood

I remember standing in the kitchen of our new appartment about three years ago. I just had my morning coffee and I was staring at a pile of a mountain of laundry that seemed to be breeding in the corner. My toddler was screaming because I’d cut the toast into triangles instead of squares, and for a split second, I just stopped. I looked at my reflection in the mirror standing in front of me, where was the pile of lundry and I didn’t recognize the woman looking back. No really !

I was 20-30 pounds heavier, I was what ? 31 years ? I looked different but what looked more different is that in my eyes, I didn’t recognized true self. I wasn’t the ”hot girl” passing on the street, I saw the look in the eyes of others like if they were saying ” Poor her, she’s not the same anymore” and I honestly didn’t liked that.

This wasn’t about my child at all, it was about past memories of the woman I was before. Yup the woman I used to be, the woman who could hold a conversation about something other than diaper brands, well she was just gone, like that.

It wasn’t a sudden disappearance for me, It was a slow process. First, it was my own hobbies that fell away because I was too tired. Forget the late drive to the gym at night. Then it was the friendships that faded because scheduling a lunch date felt like too much for nothing. I realized I had become a series of functions: the snack-getter, the boo-boo kisser, the laundry-folder. I felt like a ghost haunting my own life.

If you’re reading this and feeling that same hollow ache, I want you to know something right now: you aren’t failing. You aren’t ungrateful. And you certainly aren’t alone. Feeling like you’ve lost yourself in motherhood is one of the most quiet, isolating experiences a woman can go through, precisely because we’re told this should be the happiest time of our lives. Well yet, we never really prepared for that.

Changing Feels Hard

Two years after this episode, Ive met a lot of moms and I realised that the “loss of self” isn’t just about having less free time. It’s a shift in identity for many of us. Before kids, your needs, your schedule, and your mental space belonged to you. The moment you become a mother, your brain literally rewires itself to prioritize another human’s survival over your own. While that’s a biological miracle, it’s also a psychological shock.

For many of us, the transition is harsh because society sells us a curated version of motherhood. We see the aesthetic moms on social media who seem to balance organic meal prep and a thriving side hustle while wearing a matching linen set. They make it look like motherhood is just an addition to their identity. In reality, for most of us, it feels like a replacement.

There’s also the “mental load” to consider. It’s not just the act of changing the diaper; it’s remembering when the diapers need to be ordered, knowing which size they’re currently in, and worrying if they’re breaking out in a rash. When your brain is constantly running a background program of logistics and safety checks, there is no room left for the things that make you you. You can’t suddenly feel “creative” or “spontaneous” when your brain is occupied by the terrifying possibility that you forgot it’s library book day.

For neurodivergent moms, this is even more intense. If you struggle with executive function or have sensory sensitivities, the chaos of a toddler’s environment can push you into a state of permanent survival mode. When you’re just trying to survive the noise and the touch-overload, your identity doesn’t just fade it goes into hibernation.

The Invisible Mother

There is a specific kind of loneliness that happens when you are surrounded by people who need you every second but don’t actually see you. Your partner sees you as the co-manager of the household. Your children see you as the provider of all things. But who sees you? Actually that was the most shocking fact for me. YOU BECOME INVISIBLE THE SECOND YOU’RE A MOM.

This invisibility leads to a cycle of guilt and a cycle of :” Am I still worth it ?” , ” What about me and my needs ?” You feel bad that you miss your old life, and then you feel guilty for feeling bad because your children are healthy and loved. You tell yourself, “I have everything I ever wanted, so why am I sad?” This conflict inside creates a barrier that prevent you from seeking help or admitting that you’re a strong struggling person.

What Helped Me See It Differently

To be honnest, it was a process, just as the process of mourning, there’s 5 stages. There’s this denial phase where for a long time, I thought the only way to find myself again was by getting my old life back. I remember that I didn’t had post partum depression but people, friends and family were concern about me. They were all giving me advices on how I should take care of myself when I wasn’t asking them anything.

I was just more quiet but I wasn’t going to the gym anymore, I was staying a lot way more at home so they were worried. It was just hard for me to explain it to them but since I became a mother, a lot of things changed for me.

The Denial phase

I thought if I could just get my kid to sleep through the night or find a way to spend four hours at a bookstore (like before) I’d feel like myself again.  But that was the wrong thing to think. I realised that I couldn’t live like before after I tried to re-do the old things I used to. I just finally accepted that I was still this woman but I could’nt and didn’t want to live like the ” old me” anymore. It was a deep and sad thing to realised, I also felt like I had to grieve my youth, my twenties ect. because I just turned 30 when I gave birth to my son.

You cannot go back to the person you were before children because that person didn’t have the strength, the patience, or the perspective that you have now.

The breakthrough happened when I stopped trying to recover my old identity and started trying to integrate it. I realized that the “creative woman” I used to be wasn’t dead; she was just dormant. She didn’t need her old life back; she needed a new way to exist in this current one.

I had to stop viewing my identity as a zero-sum game. I didn’t have to choose between being a “good mom” and being a “whole person.” In fact, the better I felt as an individual, the more patient and present I became as a parent. When I stopped neglecting my own needs, I stopped resenting the people who needed me.

Small Things before

I didn’t need a week-long solo retreat in the mountains to start finding myself again (though that sounds amazing). I did stuff that reminded me that I still exist outside of my role as a mom.

Reclaiming Your Space

If you spend all day answering questions and managing crises, your brain needs a “silence window.” This doesn’t have to be an hour of meditation. It can be ten minutes in the car before you walk into the house, or a shower where you actually lock the door.

Try these simple shifts:

• The “Not-Mom” Conversation: Once a week, have a conversation with a friend or partner where talking about the kids is strictly forbidden. Talk about a movie, a weird news story, or a dream you have. It reminds you that you have opinions and interests.
• The Five-Minute Hobby: If you used to paint, keep a sketchbook and a pen on the kitchen counter. Don’t try to create a masterpiece. Just doodle for five minutes while the pasta boils. The goal isn’t the art; it’s the act of being an artist.
• Curating Your Feed: Unfollow the “perfect” moms. Follow people who talk about the mess, the struggle, and the identity crisis. When you see other women admitting they feel lost, the shame begins to evaporate.

Managing the Sensory Overload

Many of us feel lost but we’re just overstimulated. When you’ve been touched, climbed on, and screamed at for ten hours, your brain shuts down to protect itself. It’s hard to feel like a creative, vibrant human when you’re in a sensory fugue state.

Healed by Creativity

For many of us, there’s not only exercises or sports that matters. For me creativity was a huge part of my pre-motherhood identity. Whether it was writing, painting, coding, or gardening, these activities provided a sense of flow and accomplishment. When motherhood happens, these are often the first things to go because they require “deep work” and uninterrupted time two things that don’t exist in a house with a toddler. I also had the idea to start a blog to give practical advices on motherhood. I felt so much better after I reconnected with writting.

The mistake we make is waiting for a block of time to return to our passions. We say, “I’ll start my blog again when the kids are in school.” But that day is far away, and the void will only grows larger, trust me.

I used to be a perfectionnist all my life but with being a mother I just accepted to embrace “fragmented creativity.” This means accepting that my work will happen in 15-minute bursts. It means writing a paragraph in my phone’s notes app while sitting in the pediatrician’s waiting room or listening to baby songs. It means accepting that my “studio” was now the kitchen table during nap time. Yes and it doesn’t have to be perfect!

This is where starting a creative project, like a blog, can be incredibly healing. Blogging allowed me to document my journey, connect with other women in the same boat, and reclaim a professional or creative identity. It gave me a reason to think critically, to research, and to express myself. What about you? I’m sure you still have hobbies, it doesn’t needs to be creative.

Warning

As you start to carve out space for yourself, the guilt will probably show up. It might sound like, How can I spend an hour writing when the house is a mess? or I should be using this time to play with my kids.

I used to really feel bad for taking time for myself but I wasn’t happy anymore. It’s when you’ll hit rock bottom, that you’ll realise that a happy, fulfilled mother is a much better mother than a resentful one. I hope you do not hit the rock bottom to realise it but sometimes it’s necessary for the most stubborn of us.

When you give yourself permission to pursue your interests, you are modeling a healthy relationship with self-worth for your children too. You are teaching them that adults are more peaceful and happier when they take care of themselves, when they still pursuit their passion.

Boundaries became my friends

To make this work, you need boundaries. If you are like the person I was 2-3 years ago, no boundaries, no self-respect then it’s going to be hard in the beggining but you’ll have to go throught it. This often means having a difficult conversation with your partner about the mental load.

Don’t tell them that you need more help from them, be more firm and say :  “I need a dedicated two-hour block on Saturday mornings for my creative work. How can we shift the schedule to make that happen?”

If you have overbearing in-laws or extended family who expect you to be on call like mine, setting boundaries there is just as important. You can love your family and still say, “I can’t come over this Sunday; I’m taking some time for myself.” You don’t need to justify it with a long explanation.

Survival Mode to Enjoyment Mode

There is a big difference between surviving motherhood and enjoying it. Survival mode is when you’re just checking boxes: fed, bathed, clothed, asleep. Enjoyment mode is when you have enough emotional margin to actually be present for the magic moments.

You cannot get to enjoyment mode if your internal tank is empty. The “loss of self” is essentially a leak in your tank. Every time you ignore a personal need or suppress a part of your personality to fit the “mom” mold, the tank drains a little more.

Finding yourself again isn’t about a grand transformation. It’s about a series of small, intentional choices. It’s about deciding that your happiness is not a luxury, but a necessity for the health of your entire family.

A Gentle Reminder for you

If you’re in the thick of it right now, if you’re reading this while hiding in the bathroom or during a rare moment of silence, please hear me: it is okay to miss who you were. You can love your children with all your heart and still miss the version of yourself that didn’t have to worry about nap schedules.

You aren’t a bad mother for wanting more than just motherhood. You are a human being with a complex soul, a history, and a future. The woman you were isn’t gone; she’s just evolving. She’s being tempered by the fire of parenthood, and while it feels like you’re breaking, you’re actually being forged into something stronger and more resilient.

Be gentle with yourself. Some days, “finding yourself” will just be choosing a tea you actually like instead of the one that’s easiest to make. Other days, it will be starting that blog or signing up for a class. Both are victories.

How to Start Your Journey Back to “You”

If you feel ready to stop just surviving and start living again, here are a few concrete steps you can take this week:

• The Audit: Write a list of three things you loved doing before you had kids. Just three. Beside each one, write the smallest possible version of that activity you could do right now. (e.g., “Love reading” “Read two pages of a book before bed”).
• The Communication: Tell your partner or a support person, “I’ve been feeling like I’ve lost my identity lately, and I’d like to start reclaiming some of it. I need your help with [specific task] so I can have some time for myself.”
• The Creative Spark: Start a low-pressure creative outlet. Whether it’s a journal, a sketchpad, or a blog, give yourself a place to put your thoughts that isn’t a “mom” space.

If you’re looking for more support, a community of women who get it, and practical tools to move out of survival mode, I invite you to explore Mom Creative Blogger. We focus on the beautifully messy reality of motherhood. I don’t do perfection here, I do authenticity. From managing sensory overload to starting your own digital side-hustle, I provide the resources to help you remember that there is a vibrant, creative woman living behind the mom label.

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