Mom burnout : Tips to manage it

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This article is for moms, dads and S-A-H-M parents. By the way, if you’re a stay-at-home mom or a stay-at-home dad, I just want to tell you how amazing you are. What you’re doing is beautiful and wonderful for your kids. I also know how exhausting it is and how it’s sometimes hard. It’s okay, you’re a human caring for other little humans. Those who say it’s not a job either don’t have children or don’t know what they’re talking about. Managing household chores, meals, doctor or dentist appointments, learning, outings, it’s easy and normal to feel exhausted. This article aims to help parents experiencing or on the verge of burnout. 

I named it “Mom Burnout” because I already had one, and I hope that with the tips I’ll give, I can help someone. I’m writing you these tips because I’ve had a major burnout myself from not wanting to get help, from wanting to be a Wonder Woman for the first few years, from taking it, taking it, taking it until it affected my mental health for good. 

But, first of all, what is burnout? 

According to helpguide.org: 

”Burnout is a state of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress.’‘.

This means it is caused by external factors such as work, parenting, and caregiving tasks. Over time, we develop a negative feeling when we anticipate a task being done. 

It’s not a depression, but if left untreated, it can become one, and the sad effect is that mom burnout can lead to a disconnection with your children, meaning you don’t feel like looking after them anymore, or you do it on autopilot, in a forced way. 

1) Take care of yourself: 

I know we hear this advice often, but here you are, mom or even dad, at home. You care for everyone, but must also take care of yourself to function well. I’d like to talk about my own experience. When I’ve had burnouts, whether in my personal life, at work or as a mother, I know there are two reasons: 

1- I’ve been forgetting myself for a long time, and many of my needs aren’t being met.

2- I do too much, so I’m drained and need a rest. 

Take a sheet of paper and a pencil and ask yourself if you feel you’re in burnout because of one of the above reasons. What does your body need right now? Do you feel like exercising? Do you need more help? 

Taking the time to think about this is the first step. What you complain about most is also a clue. (No, I’m not talking about complaining about your children, but really about yourself.)

2- Incorporate what you need most in your life: 

I understand you’re exhausted and don’t have time between laundry, meals, and baths. Me too, but you still have a little time to incorporate what would make you happy. It could be early in the morning before your kids wake up, during naps, or when Daddy gets home from work. Do yourself a favour if your parents or partner’s parents can look after the kids over a weekend. There’s always a way.

Doing yourself a favour doesn’t have to be fancy; it can be as simple as going for a walk, taking a bath, or reading a book. 

3- Meditation: 

I know, it sounds intense, but don’t worry, it’s nothing religious or intense. I, too, was very apprehensive at first because I didn’t want to shut off my brain. I’ve always been a hyperactive woman, and sitting down to close my eyes and focus on my breathing didn’t appeal to me. However, I was so impressed by the benefits that I decided to continue.  

It has been scientifically proven that being mindful while meditating intensely improves parental burnout. You can do this by writing “Guided meditation” on YouTube. Hey! Here’s a free 30-day guest pass to try Aura. It is my companion for better sleep, stress relief, and finding focus with 1000s of meditations, hypnosis, CBT, nature sounds, and more — I hope it brings calm and balance to your days too. Try for free!  I’m using the app Aura on my phone, which has helped me enormously. I recommend it because it contains several categories, and most meditations are guided. It is excellent for beginners. The benefits of meditation are enormous, so I suggest you do your research or simply start doing it if you’re still feeling mentally stressed. 

4- Move your body: 

When stressed, we tend to forget about our bodies because we’re simply too much in our heads. The benefits of exercising are enormous; it’s not about the aesthetic or physical aspect, it goes way beyond that. The list is too long to put it all out there, but I’ll leave the websites below to see; you get the point. You don’t need to go to the gym; you can simply go out for a walk or, even better, a run. It’s easy to underestimate the benefits it will provide us when we’re in a bad headspace, but you’ve got more to gain than to lose by doing it. 

”Getting the recommended moderate-intensity physical activity at least 30 minutes daily, at least 5 days a week. For example, 30 minutes of brisk walking or 30 minutes of bicycling. Physical activity includes walking, swimming, bicycling, dancing, aerobic exercise, or any other activity (including activities of daily living or work) that is similar in intensity. Your heart rate goes up, but you don’t necessarily feel tired. Regular physical activity at the recommended levels means getting at least 30 minutes of moderate-intensity physical activity at least 5 days a week. For example, 30 minutes of brisk walking or 30 minutes of bicycling. Physical activity includes walking, swimming, bicycling, dancing, aerobic exercise, or any other activity (including activities of daily living or work) that is similar in intensity. Your heart rate will increase, but you won’t necessarily feel tired.”

5) Change your perception: 

Now, let’s talk about the psychological side. When you have burnout, there’s a deeper side. It’s not just fatigue on the surface; there are other things to change. I’m not a psychologist or a therapist, but here are a few tips to help you. 

What led you to burnout? 

Children will always be children, even if you’re burnt out, depressed or tired. When you’re in burnout, you have to re-parent yourself. When you’re not doing well, it’s all too easy to put the blame on others. 

That’s why you need to take stock of your good and bad habits, see your part in them, and learn from your mistakes that have led you to excess. 

6) Lower your expectations: 

I’m speaking from experience, because I’ve made mistakes, and setting the bar high for yourself means you don’t ask for help. Accepting that you’re not a wonder-woman is already a big step, difficult but necessary. It is important to admit it and ask for help without judging yourself. 

7) Stop comparing yourself: 

Listen, by comparing yourself, you’re continuing to push the bar up, and you’re not going to get out of it. When I became a mom and we were in the middle of a pandemic, I had the brilliant idea of downloading the TikTok app. All I could see were perfect moms cleaning, cooking and keeping their houses clean and well decorated. How did that make me feel? It made me set the bar so high that you understand what’s coming next. 

The truth is, you don’t see it all. This TikTok User earns her living with the household products she uses; her house is clean only when she’s filming. We don’t know people’s lives, but social networks are mostly fake. For me, “perfection” is a vicious circle that leads to burnout (most of the time). 

Burnouts come from: ”It’s never enough, I have to do more” and perfection also comes from ”It’s not enough, I have to do more.

When you become a parent, you get to know yourself through your trials and tribulations. I think burnout is an opportunity to get to know ourselves better by redefining our limits and being more patient.  You’re not alone anymore; you have children now. Your time is reduced, so it’s normal to lower your expectations and accept that not everything will turn out how you want. Acceptance is the first step, and it will get easier gradually. 

8- Accept or ask for help :

Asking for help is difficult when you’re used to doing everything alone because you have so much pride. It’s something that I hesitated to do a lot. You can ask your spouse to help you, but engaging your kids with chores is another fun way. A simple way is to let them join you when you’re decluttering. If you want, I wrote an article about decluttering here. You can teach them how to declutter in a fun way.

You can search your locals or on Facebook for mom groups, and by meeting with other moms, you’ll feel less special and alone in your situation. Sometimes, we think nobody can help us, but if you try and ask for help, I promise you that you’ll be surprised how many great people are willing to help. I know it sounds cliche, but I was this mom, thinking there was no one but there’s more than you think.

Ressources:

1- https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/stress/burnout-prevention-and-recovery

2-https://www.calm.com/fr/blog/mindfulness-for-parents#:~:text=Parenting%20stress%20can%20be%20all,help%20you%20with%20parental%20burnout.

3- https://www.cdc.gov/physical-activity-basics/benefits/index.html