Mom rage help: Learn to spot it before it explodes
Do you ever get hit with maternal rage? Like, one second you’re fine, and the next, you’re lashing out at your kids? You might need mom rage help! After I wrote an article about maternal rage last spring, I received several messages from women thanking me for it. Although I’m neither a therapist nor a doctor, I know many of you want a way out of this. If you’re reading this article, it’s because you want to get past it, because, let’s be honest, maternal rage doesn’t just hurt your kids; it hurts you, too.
As you read this article, you’ll see that the real root cause is rarely the kids.
What is “maternal rage”?
“Maternal rage” is a sudden, explosive, intense outburst of anger that seems far greater than the provocation that set it off.
One second, everything is fine, and the next, you’re yelling, slamming a cabinet door, or shaking with rage because your child doesn’t like the pink band-aid you put on them.
A wave of shame often follows it.
It’s not an official diagnosis, but it’s very real, and you’re far from alone.
The same study actually found that around half of the mothers in that group were depressed and half weren’t. In other words, anger can be a symptom of postnatal depression or anxiety, but it can also be there simply because you’re utterly exhausted and running on empty. That’s why it happens.
Why does this happen?
Rage is just the result of too much buildup. It’s triggered when your needs aren’t met.
The most common causes are:
- Lack of sleep: This is the main factor. In fact, in the Canadian study I mentioned, mothers who rated their sleep as poor were nearly three times more likely to experience intense anger. A tired brain has a harder time reining itself in.
- Overstimulation: being overwhelmed by physical contact and sensory input. Constant noise, crying, those little hands that won’t let go of you all day long. By evening, your senses are at their limit.
- Mental load: Remembering appointments, what’s missing from the fridge, the kids’ needs it never stops, and moms have too much on their plates.
- Hormones: Postpartum hormonal drops, premenstrual syndrome, and perimenopause can all send irritability skyrocketing.
- The feeling of not being supported: If you have a partner who refuses to help with household chores, you’re carrying the mental load, and you rarely have time for yourself, don’t be surprised.
- More children, less breathing room: The same study found that anger was more intense among mothers with more children. Unfortunately, experience doesn’t seem to lighten the load.
- Unmet basic needs: A rushed dinner, no water since breakfast, not a single minute alone. It all adds up.
If you go back and re-read that list, you’ll see what they all have in common: almost nothing has to do with your child’s behavior. The spilled juice is just the final straw in an already full cup. That’s why it’s so important to learn to spot it early.
Spot it early: your body will tell you first
A tantrum may seem sudden, but it’s almost always been building up. Your body will usually send you warning signals a few minutes, or even a few hours beforehand. If you can learn to identify those triggers, you can act early and prevent the outburst.
And how do you do that? By being aware of yourself, of what’s going on in you and in your body.
Let’s take an example: imagine yourself as a thermometer:
• You’re calm. You feel like yourself. Patient, even cheerful.
• You’re annoyed: sighs, short replies, everything seems a bit too loud.
• You’re heated: clenched jaw, flushed face, tight chest, higher-pitched voice.
• You’re boiling over: shouting, trembling, the urge to throw or slam something.
You want to avoid those outbursts of rage, don’t you? Don’t wait until you’re at the boiling point. The way to do that is to notice the early warning signs.
Ask yourself what your very first warning sign is. Do this by practicing mindfulness and observing yourself from above, as if you were an observant bird. What are your triggers? How do you feel inside?
For many mums, it’s a clenched jaw or the urge to sigh loudly. It could be boredom; it could be exasperation.
Identify yours, and you’re already halfway there.
Is tension building? Try the S.T.O.P. method:
1. Stop: Freeze and close your mouth before the words come out.
2. Breathe: inhale for 4, exhale for 6. The longer you exhale, the more your body will be told it’s safe to calm down. Do this 3 times.
3. Look at yourself. What’s behind the anger? Is it fatigue? A sense of being swamped? Fear? Anger is often just a mask for a more nuanced emotion.
4. Take action: deliberately pick your next action (it could be as simple as just walking out of the room) and do it immediately.
You can literally name your emotions out loud at the start. That can be calming and teach your kids how to handle intense emotions.
• “Mum needs a minute to calm down.”
• “I’m not mad at you, I’m just feeling absolutely overwhelmed.”
• “I’m going to take a few deep breaths. Do you want to breathe with me?”
Here are some quick techniques that work in under a minute: put a hand over your heart, count backward from 20, step outside for a moment or open a window, have a glass of cold water, shake out your hands and shoulders.
If you’re on the brink of losing it: make sure your kids are safe (the baby in the crib, the toddler in a safe place), then walk away. Then take a few deep breaths and come back when you’re calmer. That’s the most loving thing you can do in that moment. Once you’ve got yourself under control, you can then go and fix things.
If you’d yelled, you’d probably be asking yourself, ‘How do you make it right?’ and the answer is you don’t have to be the perfect mother who never loses her temper. All parents do this at one time or another. What matters is what you do after that.
When you come back and make things right, your child learns that you can withstand intense emotions and that love doesn’t vanish when things go wrong.
In my next article, I’ll discuss how to make up after yelling.
This post was all about Mom Rage Help: Spot it before it explodes!
-Sarah
