How to Set Boundaries With Your In-Laws
Hello, for the new readers out there, my name is Sarah. I’m a mom of a 5-year-old and a soon-to-be 3-year-old! I know that with social media, having a blog in 2026 feels rare, but I love blogging and using my experiences to help the moms out there. Today, I want to address a touchy subject that many moms and friends have struggled with. When you become a mom, yes, you have to deal with a lot of changes, and one of those changes is also adding your in-laws to the equation.
I remember vividly when I was pregnant with my first baby, I was seeing my therapist, and I was telling him about how intrusive my mother-in-law was. He then gave me a couple of scenarios and a lot of good tips to handle them. Later on, those tips helped me apply them not only with her but also with others. If you have someone being intrusive and need gentle advice on how to deal with it, keep reading my post.
Here are the tips from what this therapist gave me years ago. This post is for you if you’re struggling to put your feet with your in-laws.
Girl, Don’t Feel Guilty
I want to start by telling you to refrain from feeling guilty or shutting down. Don’t. If you feel guilty for wanting a few hours of peace, it’s not fair. In my experience, the worst thing to do with your in-laws is to be rude or mean, but if you say no respectfully, there’s no need to shut down or to feel guilty.
If you don’t set boundaries now, you’ll probably feel even worse about it later. Motherhood already brings enough guilt; you don’t need to add more.
You’re Scared They Won’t Like You Anymore
The struggle usually comes from a few places. I think, for the most part, we naturally want to be liked and accepted by our in-laws. There’s also a power balance. Often, in-laws see the baby as a part of their son, so they feel they have a right to get involved. Yup, becoming a grandma and a grandpa is something a lot of in-laws want, which is normal.
For years, they were the main decision-makers in their children’s lives, and when you came along, you wanted their approval. But once you become a parent, you’re in charge of your child’s life, and the switch can be a hard pill to swallow.
Your Needs Matter
Your Needs Matter
Don’t let your fears fool you. If you don’t set boundaries, sooner or later you’ll end up just trying to get by. You’ll feel like a ghost inside, and the more you ignore it, the more resentment you’ll grow.
I remember when I tried to set boundaries with the extended part of his family, it was 6 months after my first child was born. I went to a family party on my partner’s side, and no one talked to me the whole time. And, whenever I held the baby, someone would take him away or say, “Give him to his grandma.” Even my partner’s sister confronted me. In that state, you’re just trying to get through the visit without breaking down. I’d rather set boundaries than feel like a shell of myself.
Identifying Your Big No-No!
Before you talk to your in-laws, be clear about what you want to prepare yourself for.
“You need more space” is too vague. Unclear requests lead to unclear results, which can make arguments worse. Take a moment to look at your daily life with your in-laws. Where are the problems? Is it unannounced visits, unwanted advice about feeding, or the way they challenge your rules in front of the kids?
List Your Small And Big Boundaries
Remember, you don’t need boundaries for everything. I like to divide things into two categories:
Preferences and No-No. If you’re not sure what to address, try making two lists:
Preferences and Non-Negotiables. You can also ask your partner to help so you both agree.
Preferences are things you’d like to change, but they won’t really upset you if they don’t. For example, maybe you prefer the baby to be burped a certain way, but if your mother-in-law does it differently while you’re in the shower, it’s annoying but not a big deal. You can let these go to keep the peace.
The No-Nos are things that affect your mental health, your child’s safety, or your family’s main values. These include:
- Unannounced visits.
- Giving the child food you’ve explicitly forbidden ( honey for a baby or sugar for a toddler). (When Is It Safe for Babies to Eat Honey?, 2024)
- Telling a child, “Mommy said no, but Grandma says yes.”
- Comments that belittle your parenting choices.
Once you know your non-negotiables, the guilt will start to fade. You’ll see that you’re not being difficult; you’re just protecting your home and your family.
Great, But How To Say It Now?
The biggest fear most of my mom’s friends have is having the conversation. I always try to remind them that conversations need to happen in any relationship, not just with in-laws. Some of them tell me they prefer to ignore it rather than cause any friction, but 2 weeks later, they call to say they had a huge argument with their mother-in-law.
When you’re setting boundaries, remember that you don’t need to explain too much. Sometimes less is better! Explaining too much is where you can get stuck easily.
Please be firm and concise, without being rude. When you explain why you need a boundary, it feels like a negotiation. This gives them reasons to try to argue or change it.
1. Use I When You Talk
Instead of saying, “You always just show up without calling and it’s stressful,” try focusing on your needs. Please start by thanking her, and then slowly insert what you need.
Example: “I love seeing you and the kids love you, but I’m finding that unannounced visits are really overwhelming for me right now. I need us to check in via text before coming over so I can make sure we’re ready for company.”
See what happened there? I didn’t attack her character; I just shared my experience. I didn’t ask for permission; I said what I needed.
They might respond: “But I’m just trying to help you!”
You could say: “I know you’re trying to help, and I really appreciate that love. But the best way to help me right now is by [insert boundary here, like calling before you come over]. That’s what I really need to feel supported.”
Sometimes it’s hard to find the words in the heat of the moment. Here are a few scripts you can keep in your back pocket:
2. Unsolicited Advice
In-law: “You know, back in my day, we just let the baby cry it out, and they slept through the night in a week.”
You: “That’s interesting that it worked that way for you. We’ve decided to do things differently for our little one, but thanks for sharing.”
3. Undermining Your Authority
In-law: “I know Mommy said no cookies, but Grandma has a special treat!”
You: (Calmly but firmly) “We’ve already decided no cookies today. Please respect that, or we’ll have to take a break from treats for a while.”
4. Overstaying Their Welcome
In-law: (Still chatting at 8 PM when the baby is melting down and you’re exhausted)
You: “It’s been so great having you, but we’ve hit our wall for the day. We need to start the bedtime routine now, so we’ll have to wrap things up.”
Your Partner Has His Part
Here’s a hard truth that I have to address: you can’t be the only one enforcing boundaries.
If you’re seen as the bad guy and your partner stays neutral, your in-laws will see you as the problem. This can lead to long-term resentment.
Your partner needs to be the primary communicator with his own parents. It’s much easier for a son or daughter to say, “Hey Mom, we need you to call before you come over,” than it is for a daughter-in-law to say it. When it comes from the child, the parents are less likely to feel attacked by an outsider. That’s the truth, and from what I’ve observed among many of my close friends and others around me.
Get Your Partner On Board
Personally, I’m just sharing tips, but each one of us has a different story with their in-laws. But let’s say your partner is hesitant (maybe they are a people-pleaser or they have a complicated relationship with their parents). Please have a conversation about this “in-law issue,” so it doesn’t divide you as a couple, and work on it so everybody can get on the same page.
Sit down during a calm moment, not in the middle of a fight, and explain it like this: “I want to have a great relationship with your parents, but right now I’m feeling burnt out. When [X] happens, I feel [Y]. I need us to be a team on this so that I can be the best mom and partner I can be.”
If you say one thing and your partner says another, the boundaries won’t hold.
If Partner Gives In To Their Demands
Sometimes a partner will give in when their parents pressure them; for example, “Oh, just let her stay another hour, it’s fine.” In those moments, it’s okay to pull them aside and remind them: “We agreed on a bedtime of 8 PM. If we push it now, the next three days will be a nightmare of sleepless nights. I need you to help me stick to this.”
Setting boundaries isn’t just about saying no. It’s also about handling the mental energy that comes with family expectations. There is a big mental burden involved in planning visits, managing gifts, and dealing with the emotional challenges of extended family. (Kayaalp et al., 2021)
Scheduled Window
Instead of saying “come over whenever,” offer a specific time. You can say, for example:
 “Hi, we’re free on Sunday from 2 PM to 4 PM. We’d love to see you then!”
This way, there’s a clear end time, so you don’t have to awkwardly ask them to leave.
Boundaries Are Ignored: The Second Wave
What happens when you’ve set the Boundary, you’ve been kind, your man is on Boundary, and you still do it?
This is where the real work begins because a boundary without a consequence is just a suggestion.
If you say, “Please don’t come over without calling,” but let them in and serve coffee when they do, you’re showing them your boundaries aren’t serious.
This is the hardest part because the guilt is strongest then. You might feel like you’re being mean or controlling. But remember, you’re not controlling them; you’re just protecting your own space.
A consequence doesn’t have to be a punishment. It’s simply the result of crossing the Boundary.
1: The Unannounced Visit
ExampleBoundaryundary is: Call before coming over.
TheiBoundary: They show up without calling.
The Consequence: “I’m sorry, we aren’t available for visitors right now since we didn’t have a notice. We can’t let you in, but we’d love to see you on Thursday if you call first!”
Yes, this is incredibly hard to do. It can feel unreal, almost like something out of a movie. But once you do it, the behavior usually changes quickly because they realize you actually mean it. You’ll feel tested at the start, especially if you’re not used to stating your boundaries, but hey! Boundaries should not equal being mean.
2: The Rules Violation
The Boundary: No sugar for the toddler.
The Action: They give the toddler a piece of candy.
The Consequence: “Since the rule about sugar was ignored, we’re going to take a break from treats for a few visits. We need to make sure we’re all in agreement for the baby’s health.”
Once you start enforcing consequences, you will likely encounter the Guilt Journey. This can look like heavy sighing or subtle jabs about how “your mother would never have done that.” The key is not to try to fix their feelings. You’re not responsible for how they react to a reasonable boundary. If they say, “I can’t believe you’re being so strict,” just reply, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is what works for our family.” That’s enough. Don’t get into a debate. When you argue, it makes it seem like the Boundary can be changed.
Your Identity Crisis
When you become a mother, there’s a sudden change, and it’s clear in the air that you’re confused. I remember one time I asked my mother-in-law to have a chat with her because things were getting out of hand, and she told me she would rather not talk to me and would only speak to her son.
For many of us, that change can feel like a breakdown. You might feel like the woman you used to be has been swallowed up by diaper changes and sleepless nights. When in-laws push into your space, it can feel like they’re taking away the little bit of control you have left.
It’s about having a space where you’re in charge, your decisions are respected, and you can relax without feeling judged.
This is why I started focusing on regaining my sense of identity. Whether it’s starting a blog, picking up a hobby again, or just spending twenty minutes alone in a room, reclaiming your sense of self gives you the strength to set boundaries. When you value yourself and your mental health, you stop seeing boundaries as mean and start seeing them as necessary for survival. The goal isn’t to go back to who you were because you’re a different person now. The goal is to build a new version of yourself that includes being a mom, but isn’t only about that.
I hope this article helped you! If you have any suggestions for post titles, you can always write them in the comments below or send me a message!
– With love, Sarah.
